Thursday, October 2, 2014
Piñata's point of view
They picked me up from the store. I'm just a blue and green piñata made of paper and glue. When we get to the person who bought me's house there is food, cake, balloons, presents, and kids everywhere. Some time passes everyone eats,the kid who's birthday party this is open presents, some party games are played, then it's time I'm tied up hosted up into the tree and then the kids get in a line. The blindfold the first kid spin him and say go he starts swinging the bat at me. On the tenth kid I broke open and candy went everywhere as kids screamed and put in their bags. Then I was thrown away and recycled into a new piñata.
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The sentences are run ons starting from "Some time passes". Also, you make it seem as if everyone is eating the kid whose birthday it is.
ReplyDeleteI like that you say what happened after the piñata was broken. In the fourth line you missed a "." between time, and I'm. Also in the second sentence, where you put "the person who bought me's house" I would reword that. It sounds very choppy. Your story is very good and I enjoyed reading it.
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